Lost

Apologies for not signing in for a while. I haven't felt particularly like communicating at all lately. I think I needed to just step off the planet for a bit.

OK, so where am I up to?

Chemo - done. Surgery - done. Recovery from surgery - doing.

My margins are clear and Scouse got all of Colin out according to pathology. Malcom did indeed turn out to be a collective as he was not one, but five. However, they were all guard nodes according to breast nurse.

The tit bit of the operation was a cinch. I have not felt any pain/soreness in this location at all. Indeed, once I was brave enough to take a look at said tit I was quite truly amazed at the beauty of the job. I have a one inch scar and that's it. And, more amazingly, Scouse just cut around the right side (as you look at it) of the nipple and removed Colin like that. As it heals, there will be no real scarring, as it is on the nipple line. You'd be hard pushed to know, I think.

I am not sure if Scouse jigged tissue around, but there is no real 'dip' either. I do know that Colin turned out to be smaller than Scouse thought. Perhaps that is why it looks ok at this point? I also realise radiotherapy might distort all of this.

My faith in Scouse as an excellent breast onco-surgeon was justified. It is a neat job and I am very grateful. It could have been a whole lot worse...

The lymph bit I underestimated on many levels. I suppose we women are so concerned with the tit we don't really take in the whole lymph part. I have a six inch wound under my arm along the top of what we be the bra line, if you had one on. They cut through muscle and nerve tissue to get to Malcom et al in my armpit. This has left the top of my right arm numb, tingly and painful and, as the muscle were cut, sore and with limited movement of both arm and shoulder.

It is better than it was and I suppose it will get better with time, but boy was I not expecting it to be like this.

OK, everyone said it would take time. I got that. But not the whole 'you will feel crippled by it' thing. And it isn't a matter of days or weeks, it is obviously going to be a few months.

I hate it. I hate not being able to make simple movements without pulling at the stitches and causing myself pain and discomfort. Even getting out of the bath is hard and I am too afraid to sit in it in case I can't get myself out (pushing down causes a lot of pain in my armpit), thus I am still kneeling! I am better at getting things over my head than I was, but I still find it difficult to put a bra on in the normal way. My wound will not allow that much movement behind me yet.

I am doing the exercises. They help. They also make me feel more like a cripple. And the stiffness and discomfort is far worse in the afternoons/evenings. Trying to get comfortable is hard then, lying down brings pain, thus I am still lying on my back with three pillows. I am getting better at lying on my side, but I find it too uncomfortable to do this properly yet as the wound site bulges and feels like it is going to pop.

I tell you, there are many forms of torture. For me, sleeping on my back is one of them. I wake up wanting to move onto my side and know I can't. It truly is torturous for someone who has never slept on their back. Forget waterboarding and sensory deprivation as a form of torture; just tell the CIA to make their prisoners sleep on their backs. It drives you crazy...

The other thing I hate is to do with the numbness in my arm. If you have ever slept on an arm and woken up with severe pins and needles or even with a 'dead' arm, you'll know what I am talking about. When I put my arm to my side, the numb side touches the wound site. And the wound site feels like an elephant under my arm. Like a small country is nestling under there. It isn't, of course, but the lack of proper feeling under the arm and in the armpit makes it feel like that. Hopefully, the feeling will return as the weeks and months go past. Some women experience this permanently. I hope I don't. I get a lot of tingling and shooting pains up and down my arm and I think that is a good sign...

So there you go. Tit good and the exit site of Malcom not great. But getting better...

Scouse said I couldn't drive for two weeks. I didn't. I drove at two weeks and one day. I can't say I will be entering a rally at any point soon, but simple driving for short distances is ok. I could do an emergency stop if I needed to, which is the measure of being fit to drive post-operation apparently.

You know I said I don't look like 'me' anymore? Well now I don't even 'feel' like 'me' anymore too. I have always been incredibly fit and strong with a good sense of kinesthetic awareness. Now, I am a bald, bloated cripple.

This isn't easy, folks. I should feel some sense of relief that I am two thirds of the way through the treatment plan with only radiotherapy left to accomplish and Colin gone. What I feel is insignificant and vulnerable, as if everything I once was is disappearing bit by bit. And I think it is going to get a lot worse as the next few months go by.

What will be left of me come the Autumn if I go looking for myself?

"I can't find myself" Robert Smith - Lost