The Waiting Game

Life feels like a blank canvas this last few days. That is, I have no feelings or thoughts on anything.

I have no idea what that means, by the way. I just feel blank.

I actually had to ask myself today if I really had chemo 5 days ago, because I don't feel different, or odd or fried.

Shouldn't I feel different? Surely chemo makes you feel different?

The only thing I have felt, and don't look at me strangely here, is Colin. I have never felt him before. That 1.5cm lump of cancerous tumour normally sits there and does nothing. No pain, no itch, nothing. Lazy little git.

But a few times this last 24 hours, I have felt a tickly feeling in the Colin vicinity. Very, very odd. I cannot describe it other than to say it feels like liquid was rushing through it all and Colin wasn't massively happy about it. A few twinges.

I am not a particularly sensitive person. I know when I am in pain...I had natural homebirth of a 10lb baby, I know what pain is! But I am not that good at describing strange things. This was not pain. This was strange.

I hope fucking Colin hasn't got bigger.

So, here I am waiting. Waiting for mouth ulcers, waiting for an upset stomach, waiting for my bone marrow to go on strike and to feel exhausted.

Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Positive note: BRMC on Thursday; negative note: might be too poorly to go.