3am Eternal...

I am pleased to inform everyone that I have a had a pretty shit 36 hours.

I have had a side effect. And trust me to be the one who gets a side effect a little further down the list of 'potential side Taxotere side effects'. Not content with suffering from nausea, constipation or vomiting,no sirree, I have to go and get something a whole lot more annoying. And a bit more painful.

I feel like someone has taken a sledge hammer to my bones. Not just my joints, my bones.

It started Saturday night. I haven't and don't sleep well, as you all know, when I have that Dex in my system. I have seen every hour of every night on my bedside clock since Thursday night. Honestly. I get up in the night. I read. I drink water. I walk around...now 4 nights with no more than an hour slept in full. Normally, I am up for good by 3am.

Early Sunday morning, I woke up to pain in my knees. Then my ankles and then all my bones. I don't normally toss and turn whilst in that world between half sleep and half awake...I don't get annoyed I can't sleep because I know it is chemical.

But the pain made me toss and turn.

I wondered if I was imagining it a little...but I do remember reading about this pain in the potential side effects. I looked it up on the net. At 3am. I think it is something to do with the chemicals going through you bone marrow...the nadir on Taxotere starts at day 5 (unlike FEC that was day 10-12). I will be tired and at risk of infection this week...

I did search around to see how you 'manage' this pain. Apparently you 'manage' it with painkillers. Unfortunately, no one offered me any painkillers at the hospital. I got anti-sickness and anti-constipation and anti-mouth ulcer. No anti-pain. And you can't just use anything. I know I can't take certain NSAIDS or aspirin on chemo...and I don't keep any painkillers in the house. I don't take them normally, plus I was told by nursey Bernards not to take things to 'mask' a temperature.

I didn't want to leave the house yesterday. I didn't much feel like doing anything or seeing anyone. I certainly didn't want to be fussed over and, I think, I may have been feeling a little sorry for myself. I decided to let it run its course and see how it went, how long it went on for in order to report it honestly to the docs next time. If I took painkillers, I would be masking the full extent of the side effect, right?

Had another bad night, although not as painful as Saturday, but I have been up since 3am reading. Again. I could go back to sleep now, but I have to get ready for work now.

I think the worst of the bone thing is over now anyway. I imagine it comes for a certain time in each cycle (like day 3-4) and then it goes...and I may not get it as badly again next time if my body calibrates itself against it. I have read this can happen. I will get some proper painkillers prescribed too...but yesterday, on a Sunday, I didn't know what to do or who to ring.

And I didn't want a fuss made. I hate fuss. If I am on my own I can deal with being poorly. I am not good if there is someone there fussing over me. I want them to go away so I can deal with it on my own.

Ha, I do remember one thing yesterday. For some reason some bloody bloke rang me and asked me to take part in a 'customer service survey'. On a bloody Sunday afternoon?!?

'No, now is not a good time' I said feebly down the telephone.

'It will only take 6 or 7 minutes' he replied.

I wanted to tell him to fuck off and leave me alone, which is why I don't like to have people around me when I am poorly, because I tend to be rude to them. It takes a lot not to be rude to people when you are in pain and feeling sorry for yourself.

'Look', I said 'I have cancer and right now I feel like I am going to die because the chemotherapy is making me sick' I went on, trying not to say 'fuck' and 'off'.

'Oh' he said. And hung up. Bet no one has ever given him that line to get out of a telephone customer survey.

I feel like a bona fide cancer patient having chemotherapy now I have a side effect to report to you. Honestly, it's not so bad. I have just felt like my bones have cramp...and cramp isn't the end of the world. It could be a whole lot worse...at least I haven't had a mouth ulcer yet!

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional" - anon