Better but disappearing...

Finally, the chemo is out of my system and I feel so much better. As does the skin.

It is obvious to me now that much of the skin problem was not psoriasis, rather it was the now infamous Taxotere 'skin rash'.

My hands are no longer red, nor are my arms and actually, my whole body is so much better. Yes, there is some psoriasis but a lot of what I thought was psoriasis was the rash. It has gone oddly purple in colour and is calm.

I have more energy too. Well, it isn't easy to have energy when every time you move your skin hurts.

Hey, I had a letter from the RB at the end of last week. This is the first letter I have ever received from them. It was an 'event'.

Now, don't get your hopes up that, suddenly, the RB has turned a corner...

...the name on the envelope was mine. It was addressed to me. That was about as accurate as it got.

The letter contents were obviously meant for another poor patient about to have surgery.

And not for breast cancer.

First off, it said I had my operation on 'Wednesday 30th July'. That was my first clue. Something wasn't right with that...

...second clue was the consultant's name. Who the fuck is 'Mr Magee' I wonder? And do I need a 'vascular operation'?

Yes, you've got it in one. Right with my name, wrong about everything else.

Does this mean someone else will turn up for my operation and not turn up for theirs??? Worse, will they realise Wednesday 30th July doesn't exist this year???

If I wasn't smirking so much, I would be crying. Honestly, do I trust this hospital to actually operate on me???

I rang, got an apology and am waiting for the correct information in a new letter.

Last week I saw the hypnotherapist. I have another appointment this evening. How do I think it went? No idea. If you are having hypnotherapy for cessation of smoking or help with arachnophobia, at least you can test its effectiveness.

Anyway, nice chap. We spoke about lots of things so he could get a handle on me. Apparently, I am 'different'.

When asked specifically why I thought I was afraid, I told him my belief. I dissociate. This is my coping mechanism with some of the traumatic things I have been through, particularly as a child. Dissociation allows me to function in difficult times. There have been a few occasions when this hasn't worked for me; then it is flight or fight. I tend to run to be honest...

This whole cancer surgery thing is difficult to dissociate from. It is on too many levels; physical, mental and psychological. Thus, I feel the need to run or fight. As I have said before. But this isn't possible. Well, it is but it may cause a few problems down the line (death or arrest). I also need control and I am also a highly private person. All of this is about to be invaded...

All these things are quite a lot for anyone to take in. And I am burning a whole lot of energy and exhibiting anxiety because of it.

I am open minded. Indeed, I do believe hypnotism works...but as I have never been hypnotised, I am not sure how well it works on me.

There was a lot of relaxing and counting. He told me I wouldn't be able to open my eyes on the number 8. I was thinking 'yes I can, but I won't because I don't want to offend you'. Then I told myself off for being negative. Then I was asked to count down from 100 out loud. I felt foolish and told him so. So I counted in my head. All the way down to zero, which he said afterwards I shouldn't have done!

But, that was my conscious mind. He wasn't talking to that part of me, he was talking to my unconscious. And I hope it listened. He did say I can be partially hypnotised, which is comforting, but not entirely. However, we are going to have another go tonight...

How do I feel about the surgery now? Not sure. My whole life feels like it isn't mine anymore. I am not me. I think I said that 4 months ago in this blog, but I feel even less like me now. Everything that is me seems to be disappearing...it is like this is happening to someone else. I will wake up and this will all be a dream.

This whole thing is surreal. And I am disappearing into it.