State of the Union Address Part 2

So, here I am just 3 short days away from surgery.

I have no idea whether the hypnotherapy did anything at all, but I do know all the thinking I have been doing...trying to figure out why I have had such a problem with the thought of it all...has been very helpful.

Yeah, there's the control thing. That's easy to work out. And, of course, no one wants to have this kind of elective surgery, do they? Ladies out there, how would you like your tit cut into and your armpit massacred to take out your lymphs? Thought not. It isn't something you'd choose to have done, is it?

But for me, it's much bigger than that.

I am vulnerable. I don't do vulnerable well.

I rely on myself, and only myself. There is no one else. I do everything. I earn money. I pay my way. I pay my daughter's way. There is no family. There are no parents or brothers or sisters. There is no husband or partner (been single a year).

There is just me.

And if I am not on the ball. If I am not 100%. If I am laid low. Then what?

That's my problem. That and I can't completely dissociate from this. But I am trying!

I hate accepting help. I don't like being vulnerable. I am not much of a taker.

Example: putting down 'next of kin' and having to tell the hospital I have somewhere to go for the time I am laid low. Best Friend is a star. And I hate accepting help. I, of course, would be there like a shot if she were in my position. But accepting help from her is difficult for me.

I have already told Best Friend to just drop me at the hospital door. I will find my way to the ward. I don't want visitors. I don't want people to see me vulnerable. Not even Best Friend.

'I'll text you to let you know I am alive' I told her.

Cue Best Friend 'pouty face'.

I feel like a rabbit caught in headlights. I don't want to be. I want to be more like the rabbit in Banks' The Wasp Factory...

This is now something I have to power through. I have to think of it as a hell like state for a short amount of time and get through it. Feel the fear and just do it anyway, as someone recently said to me.

Somehow, I am sure it will all be just fine. Perhaps the hypnotherapy has helped after all...