I can't find myself...

I am not me anymore. Let me explain.

I am not me anymore because I no longer look like me. Having no hair really fucks up what you look like. You just don't look like you at all. I don't recognise myself when I look in the mirror (not that I do a lot of that anymore. I don't like to).

But there is something else. I don't just look like someone else, but I also cannot wear the clothes I used to when I was me. They don't 'fit' this person I see in the mirror (when I look). A stranger cannot wear my clothes.

On Sunday, post-shaving-head-to-have-less-hair-than-Sinead O'Connor, I had to get myself sorted to go off to the coast with Drummond et al. I have wardrobes full of clothes. I have a lot of clothes. Granted, I wear a lot of black, but I have a lot of black clothes...I also own a lot of shoes too.

I tried on lots of things. I looked in the mirror and this stranger stared back at me and she was in my fucking clothes! How dare she?

The only, only thing this stranger could wear was a pair of jeans, Converse and a stripey top. She looked OK in that. She looked bloody ridiculous in anything else. And don't get me started on shoes! This stranger looks perfectly stupid wearing a pair of heels, even small ones that pre-shaved head Plaingoldband looked OK in.

I have said before, hair is important to me because it projects who I am. Always has done. And hell, it seems clothes, what you wear and how you put it together does too. Projection of self, of character, of mood, of intent. All these things. Yes, old Plaingoldband would wear jeans. But she could wear them with heels and a black top and look like her! This new one doesn't.

I no longer feel like me. I am on temporary 'hold'. My video is paused. I am not really here anymore.

Well, that's how I feel. Make of it what you will. I am sure some psychobabble doctor would go into some psychobabble rubbish about it. Or perhaps a first year fashion student at St Martins. The upturn is I don't feel like me anymore.

I hope she is not lost forever...

dogwankingfucksticksnohairshit.

"Fashion is what you adopt when you don't know who you are" - Quentin Crisp