Lord, give me strength to deal with healthcare professionals

I was too pissed off to write here last night.

It may possibly have been nothing more than rather a lot of swear words. I was very angry. Very pissed off. Very annoyed.

I didn't think it was a particularly constructive way to be, but I think I needed to go through it so that I could revert back to my more pragmatic self today.

First off, I didn't go into shock with my 2nd Taxotereshit infusion. I knew I wouldn't, of course, but even being a clearish-thinking and pragmatic Plaingoldband, I can't help but be a little human and think 'Oh lord'. It does happen to some, there is no reason why it shouldn't happen to me (I have fucking cancer, don't I?). But it didn't.

Shit day all round though. Best Friend and I were there for more than 6 hours. The West Wing was like the cattle shed I once described it as. The waiting room was full of cancer striken people queueing to get into the ward to be hooked up and the Domestos milked in. I think we waited a good 2 hours like this. Once in, the place was rammed with chemo-cows. One cow in, one cow out.

Consequently, the Bernards were stressed and overworked. No smiles or laughs to be had by them yesterday. Not even the home made brownies I brought in raised a thank you at first.

I had a right miserable and, dare I say it, rude Bernard. I haven't had her before. I hope I don't again. Best Friend and I did little faces at each other behind her back. I did check with Best Friend 'is it me, or is she a right miserable bitch?'. She wholeheartedly agreed, particularly when said Bernard quite literally shoved her out of the way to unplug a machine without even an 'excuse me' or' 'sorry'. Not even a Plaingoldband smile, joke and attempt at empathy changed her scowl.

Now, I wasn't in a particularly good mood myself (although I try to hold my bad moods to myself when dealing with people who have no part in why bad mood has occurred, like the overworked and stressed Bernards).

Saw Omar again yesterday. Last time I saw him, I felt he was woolly and dodged direct questions. Best Friend wasn't with me that time...I made sure I asked her this time if she felt he was a little woolly and she agreed.

Anyway, I was having none of it this time. Omar brought up my psoriasis:

"We think we may have to stop chemo and give you immediate surgery. This because we are concerned about your psoriasis".

Yeah, Omar, me and you both. Thing is, I tried to tell you 3 months ago this scenario might happen and you fucking God-complex oncologists patronisingly dismissed my very valid concerns, concerns based on 30 years of experience of having this disease and knowing what happens when I am unmedicated. But hey-ho, I am just the patient, right? What do I know? I didn't go to med school for 7 years and study to become God, did I?

OK, I am still a little teeny bit pissed off. I apologise. And it is not Omar's fault. He might be woolley and dodge asnwering questions, but it was not him who was so patronising. That was House.

So, they are now concerned that my psoriasis is going to get so bad it might not allow surgery to either happen, or be easy or effective in healing?

This is where it gets interesting. I asked:

"I have had 3 cycles of chemotherapy and 2 of these my body did not respond to. Surely stopping chemo at this point, when we don't know if Taxotere has been successful, when we know the other chemo wasn't, means I will be at risk of relapse?"

My logic here is sound. They wanted me to have 8 cycles of Domestos. This is based on the type of cancer, the grade of the cancer cells, the risk of relapse, my age blah blah. I believe they don't just blindly give you drugs. There is method to all this. Well, you like to think so, don't you?

"Well" said Omar, woolliness and inarticulation radiating from his body and mouth, "yes but chemotherapy isn't that important, your risk of relapse is only increased by 6-8% by only having a few chemo cycles".

6-to-fucking-8-% ???

I thought I misheard him. I should have asked 'so what were the approximate percentages if I had not had chemo at all then?'. But I didn't. I was still cogitating this when I realised he was moving on to something else.

"Surgery is far more important than chemo" he said.

"But another reason for having neo-adjuvant chemo was to shrink the tumour to make lumpectomy possible instead of full mastectomy. If I have early surgery, this won't be possible' I replied.

Wooliness abounded some more.

"Well, we will have you in for your ultrasound and then we will have a meeting with the breast surgeon" he said.

I haven't seen Scouse since March 10th. He has nothing to do with oncology.

"But unfortunately, this will have to be 13 days time as this is the only time we can all meet up, which means you will have to have the ultrasound next week" he added.

You normally have the ultrasound as late as possible in your 21 day chemo cycle. This is obviously because the last chemo you had needs that long to work and for it to show on your tumour. Me? Because of timetabling, I have to have the ultrasound on day 5-9. It won't have had time to do anything. Potential upshot? They will be judging the reduction in Colin's size based on 1 cycle of chemo. Upshot of this? Pretty much no hope of having a nice easy lumpectomy. But more of this later...

That was that then. Off to make appointment for ultraound and then off to God's Waiting Room.

Obviously, the whole 'chemo is not that important' line of Woolly Omar was on my brain. So was the 'increase chance of relapse only 6-8%' line. Even Best Friend was thinking what I was thinking here.

If you are a regular reader, you will know that I had a bit of a wobble the Sunday before I started chemo (4 April). I asked Best Friend 'Why am I actually having chemo?". I was obviously concerned that I had just been told 'you have to have chemo' and no doctor had told me why...no numbers, no percentages, no real reason other than it can reduce the lump.

Best Friend said 'because you will die if you don't'. A very fair comment based on what we understood from the oncologists and specialists.

But now we realise, with some research, that this isn't true. Yes, anyone can relapse and their cancer can come back. Even those who have had radical surgery and full quota of chemo. But actually, chemo is a little bit of a blunt instrument.

For many women with my type of cancer, it is nothing more than an 'insurance policy'. The worst might happen still but you feel better knowing the chemo might have annihalated that odd stray cell looking for a nice liver or lung to settle in an cause problems 5 years down the line.

In fact, it is possible my chance of my cancer coming back if I hadn't had chemo could have been as low as 10% or so, may be a little more. As long as I took the Tamoxifen afterwards and particularly as I only have one enlarged lymph node.

Ladies and gentleman, if I had had that information, I may have considered my options. But I was never given this information at the time and I didn't know enough, understandably as everything moved so fast and House only spent 10 minutes with me, to ask. It all seems so bleedingly obvious now!!!

Something else. You know I have Colin the tumour? A Grade 2 adenocarcinoma? I read my notes again yesterday. Properly. And guess what? Underneath Colin are a number of small 'ductal carninomas in situ'. These are no invasive and unlike Colin, they are in my milk ducts. Many women do not even have treatment for these, although it isn't a bad idea to have them out, because they can get a whole lot bigger.

I have never been told about them. Not a word. I have two types of breast cancer. And no one told me. Moreover, I now see why Scouse said 'your tumour area is actually bigger than the 1.5cm it looks like'...

Yes, Scouse, that's because there are a number of little cancerous cysts sitting under it. But you omitted to tell me this part, didn't you? You didn't tell me this when you were going on about chemotherapy and breast surgery on March 10th.

OK, I am not as over my angry mood as I thought. Need some more time to let it all go and become clear thinking again.

Dogwankingfuckstickhealtcareprofessionals.

Two quotes of the day today. If you know me by now, and have read the above, you'll see why:

"Speak when you are angry, and you'll make the best speech you ever regret" Dr Lawrence J Peter

"Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else...you will be the only one burned" Buddha