Feeling a little more accepting today. Not really. I am trying to be positive and that means fooling myself into believeing I am accepting it. I reckon this cunning plan might eventually work...
About to jump in the bath and then cover myself in a potent topical steroid. Hurrah! It's like be dipped in an oily chip pan, except you don't smell like chips, you smell of chemicals. I have banished my Cowshed and Laura Mercia body moisturisers to the back of the bathroom cupboard. I will have to use prescription-only emollients now. Hurrah again...
I hope the steroid will at least get my hands into some kind of fit state for chemo Fight Club Round 4 next Wednesday. There is definately something odd going on with my hands. There is some psoriasis on them, but they are oddly shrivelled and peeling. This must be the Taxotereshit. This is not normal psoriatic reaction in my experience.
I have just realised that all of this makes me sound like some kind of freak. Really, I am a pretty OK looking person in real life. Just not right now. I have made myself sound like some freakish monster with shivelled hands and flaking skin. I think it all looks far worse in my head than it would if you looked at me right now. You probably wouldn't notice all of this unless I pointed it out to you, a bit like those people who get a spot on their face, cringe about it, go out and then tell anyone looking at them 'don't look at my spot', then the person looking says 'actually, I hadn't noticed it until you pointed it out...but now you come to mention it you have a got a spot!'.
People are really not that observant. I know this. It's just when you know something isn't 'right' with you, you think there is a sign flashing above your head screaming 'LOOK AT ME!'. I am sure everyone knows this feeling, right? Not only do I believe people stare at me because I have no hair, I now believe people stare at me because I have some spots and shrivelled hands. They probably don't. But I feel they do, and it makes it a whole lot worse...
I don't feel sociable. I don't want to go out. I don't want people to look at me (even though they probably aren't). This is normal behaviour I think. Well, normal for someone who feels they have a flashing sign above their head and smells of chip pan chemicals, anyway...
I now have a date with a topical steroid.
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