Car Crash

I forgot I was waiting for the menopause. That was missed off the list from yesterday.

Today I had the menopause. Well, I think I did. Was forgetting to add the menopause to the list from yesterday part of it, I wonder...?

The oncology Nursey Bernard said it would hit this week and 'just like that', my light of fertility would go out. Permanently.

Now, I freely admit to knowing nothing about the menopause. Why would I? It's not something a 40 year old woman has to think about...my mother died pre-menopause, so no experience there for me to draw upon. I note the Female pages of newspapers mention it once in a while. I once read about a woman who got caught shoplifting, and she blamed the menopause and got off...I think she was in her early 50s. That's about all I know about the menopause. It's like PMT, only with hot flushes and memory loss, right?

Right, according to Wiki, the menopause is the 'permanent cessation of ovarian function' and 'the end of the menstrual cycle' (the word menopause is from the Greek, meaning 'end of monthly cycles' apparently).

Most women experience something called 'perimenopause'. This is the time before the real thing....a time for the changes to ease their way into the female consciousness; to signal a new time; to prepare for the changes ahead.

Not me. I get thrown off a cliff. My menopause is like a car crash...60 mph straight into a brick wall.

This is what happened. I went red. People remarked on my redness. I glowed. Then my heart raced. It felt like being on speed. Red speed. I felt a few trickles of sweat too. But mainly, I just felt red and hot.

Then it was over.

Ummm, was that the menopause then? Was that my car crash? My being-thrown-off-a-cliff? Is there more? Nursey said it would be quick. She wasn't kidding.

I can't believe I had the menopause today. Dogwankingfucksticks. I have been denied a proper menopause.

Shouldn't there be some 'emotional side' to all of this? Shouldn't I cry, or get angry or 'hormonal' or something? I admit to having never suffered a period pain, swollen tit or mood swing in my life. Indeed, Ex-Boyfriend commented upon my 'balanced hormones' a few times. I just don't do 'female hormonal madness'. Never have and now, never will.

Now I think I know why my tits feel like they have been kicked! It wasn't Colin the last few days, it was my own version of the perimenopause! My body was getting ready for the change. You other non-chemically toxic women get a year or so, I get 24 hours. Great. Speed Menopause!

Too bloody late to get to the shops and shoplift now. I could have got myself a new handbag and just blamed the menopause. Bugger.

Just for you and Best Friend, Patsy and Edina from Absolutely Fabulous do the Menopause:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1A5nTUtJtIs