Well the Studio Line moulding putty made my hair stand on end.
Less Sid Vicious and more KD Lang apparently. Great, I have cancer and I look like a lesbian crooner to boot.
I am not feeling cool. I had a long conversation with Best Friend this evening regarding this cancer shit. I am not sure it all came out as I wanted it to and I may have a) confused her b) upset her or c) made her think I am suicidal. Perhaps all three?
Anyway, in the my somewhat fragmented view of the world right now I asked myself, and by dint Best Friend, 'why am I actually doing any of this treatment stuff?'.
Obviously, the simple answer to this was 'you die if you don't'. I get this. It is logical. It makes sense. Also, House, Scouse and Nursey Bernard have told me I am doing it. I have never been one to do things because I have been told to...
'But' I said 'what if I don't want to do it?'
Best Friend looked quizically at me. She also said I was being a 'drama queen'. That's fine, sometimes I am but actually, during all of this cancer shit stuff, I have not.
'Well' Best Friend said 'it can lengthen your life and lots of people beat cancer and go on for years and years'. She's right, many people do.
'But' I said 'what if I am not bothered about going on for years and years and, anyway, what kind of life is it after you have gone through all this cancer treatment shit, have a hole in your breast, get infections because you have no lymph glands, have to take drugs for 5 years to stop your ovaries working, suffer lymphodema and then just wait for it to come back?'.
And it made me think (I was thinking a lot as we were talking) is life that precious to me? Am I that bothered about going on for years and years like that? There is part of me that thinks my ticket has been punched/my time is up/I am not supposed to be around for years and years.
'Well' said Best Friend 'you wouldn't stand in front of a bus and let it hit you and say your time is up, would you?'.
'No, but that's not the same. I am not talking about ending my own life, I am talking about my life coming naturally to an end because nature has decreed it should'.
I think I understand why she didn't get it. It isn't entirely understandable. It may well be stress, fear and terror coming out. It may even be a touch of the drama queen too or, as Best Friend said, wanting to be 'different' from everyone else. Everyone else 'fights' cancer. They get off their horse and drink their milk. Me, I am thinking of buying a round-the-world ticket and getting the fuck out of here before the rollercoaster ride starts because I don't want to ride it thank you very much.
...I will, of course. I don't want to, but I will. Right now, if the delete button on my keyboard could end my life painlessly with no mess or fuss I would happily press it. As it is, it can't and I have to report to the West Wing on Wednesday prepared to get up on that horse and ride.
DogwankingfuckstickscancershitIhateyourmotherfuckingguts.
Quote of the Evening: 'Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway' John Wayne
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Of course you confused me - it's what you were put on this Earth to do. I need you to continue 'The Fight' because if you give up 'The fight' I will loose the only person who gives my brain a regular workout :-)
ReplyDeleteWell, Best Friend, you could always buy a Brain Workout on the DS. It would be far less stressful! I am, of course, put on this earth to confuse and confound people. It is my sole reason for living...and to make people laugh at my terrible jokes.
ReplyDeleteDoes the thought of being a 'patient' and not being 'in control' worry you? It's a natural reaction to fight back at losing control and contemplate not playing along. This is especially true for control freaks. But it would be self destructive, pissing in the wind and painfully bad things would happen.
ReplyDeletePlay the game. You really don't want to give up. Let go of control.
James, I like you. I swear you must be an ex-boxfriend but then again, you remind me of that psychologist on Bones...
ReplyDeleteWhat I have struggled with the last few days is 'quantity' over 'quality' of life. Plus no one has actually asked me what I want to do...the general rule of thumb is people will cling to anything that will give them quantity...people have emailed since I posted, people who have had cancer/undergoing treatment, that they were asked what they wanted and had an opportunity to discuss all options. I did not. I feel left out and I have always been used to having a partnership with my doctor and deciding upon a course of action and treatment plan with him, where possible. I have always been able to say 'no'. This just hasn't happened. I would have liked an opportunity to ask questions at the very least. Bit late now, they are mixing the drugs...
I am already a 'patient' anyway...taken lots and lots of systemic and biological drugs. I am quite used to being a patient! I have had to come off a drug for the chemo actually and the consequences of this may yet be 'painfully bad things'...great, painfully bad things and cancer :-)