I woke up this morning...

I woke up this morning with the mantra 'I have breast cancer and I am going to have chemo'. I have obviously added a bit...certainly, the mantra has worked effectively up to now because I haven't lost a wink of sleep to the whole concept yet and, more importantly, I have woken up without any feelings of dread.

These are my thoughts, in no particular order, on the news of yesterday:

• I am happy with the way it went. I am happy with the decision I made in the Scouse breast man's office. It was, all in all, a shit day but it went well.
• It has occurred to me that I won't have to buy any more razors or pay my beautician to give me a bikini wax for the next 6 months. Oh, and no more eyebrow grooming. I won't have any.
• Why haven't I cried?
• My masacara costs will also decrease enormously. I won't have any eyelashes.
• I am again humbled by my friends. What a bunch of incredible people.
• The treatment plan, or the infant treatment plan I have in my head, won't be over until Christmas. 2010 is going to be a bit shit in a lot of ways.
• I am going to have to stop going to the gym (I like the gym and I like getting and being fit). Note to self: cancel gym membership, play on the cancer situation and they might not charge me to much to leave early...
• I wonder what Kylie's thoughts were on her 'D-Day'. I think Kylie and me have a lot in common now (I would never really have been able to say this before Colin...she is petite, talented and gorgeous, I am tall, booksmart and acceptable. Now she and I are more alike in many ways than her and her sister Danni...actually, I didn't really think about Kylie or Danni before Colin...will having cancer make me like the X-Factor too???
• I won't be able to do my Roadtrip Across the States holiday in the summer now. No holidays for me this year because I reckon my worldwide travel insurance will be invalid and no airline, not even the struggling British Airways, will want my business.
• Do I buy funky headscarves (was thinking Missoni, Hermes and Prada darling), or shall I stick with my customary 'black'.
• I am glad I am not, well the plan is I won't and I suppose things might change...yes, I am glad I am not having a full chopped-off-boob. I realise now I didn't want to lose my whole breast, even though I accepted that it might have been the only way
• It occurred to me that now I have cancer and am having chemo, then everything is about me me me...I kind of like this in one way, and not in another. I am quite a shy person really. I don't actually like being the centre of attraction...not that cancer is attractive, but people are going to treat me quite differently.

See, random. But I suppose I am under some stress and thoughts can become randon when you are feeling a little stressed, can't they?

I mean, I must be stressed? I am tired. I have pretty much lived on adrenaline the last week. I think it might be like that for a bit longer yet...but I am eating, thinking straight and sleeping ok. When I have been stressed in the past (bad job experience/university exams/my lover and father of my daughter leaving me for someone else) I have not eaten and not slept. I am doing all these things quite normally.

I think I am thinking about why haven't I broken down/cried/wrung my hands yet too. Will I? Do I need to? I don't feel the need to. Am I normal then? I feel perfectly normal. I don't feel ill or like I am on the urge of a a breakdown or anything.

Can you be perfectly normal and not cry when you are told you have Type 2 cancer and your whole year is fecked up because you are going to have chemotherapy???

Right, off to work. Today I am going to sort out a new GP (long story about GP, where I live at the moment and what I do for work...I might get around to blogging it). Superstar boss has this sorted. Apparently I need a good local GP because chemotherapy has a way of making you need their services regularly... I think I might also cancel my gym membership and also think about buying a new cellphone.

See, life goes on...