Wills, Guinness and Kilburn

Yesterday my father came to visit me. He is a semi-retired laywer. This has its uses, not least free legal advice. Bless him, he had made me a new will and we spent an hour going through it.

Basically, pillarboxredheadedgoddess gets it all...enough for a few more vintage Marc Jacobs handbags at the very least.

I also discussed a 'living will'. This brought a conversation up which I was slighly 'dreading' having with the father...you see, cancer is not going to kill me. Not ever. Because if Colin, Malcom and any other rogue cells decide to make a return visit and mean it this time, I will not allow them to kill me. I will kill me.

Thus. we had a long and philosophical discussion on the legalities, ethics and morals of Dignitas and Nembutal. He was far more understanding than I gave him credit for...and he had done his homework too...not just on the legal issues involved, but on the actual physical dynamics of painless and dignified death.

I do not wish to do it myself...purely because I do not wish to put anyone in the position of having to 'clear up' after me. One of the positive aspects of the whole Dignitas route is it is rather like buying a package holiday...everything can be taken care of...right down to my return flight home in a little cardboard box. Father says Dignitas is a rip off...far too expensive and why don't I become a dignified death travel agent in my own right...and organise it all myself.

Did I ever mention my father is rather mean with money?

Anyway, living will is done...to cover my own back and those of any docs who feel the desire to keep me going past my sell-by-date. It's important, you know, to have it all signed, sealed and delivered. Amazing how much grief can be prevented by being savvy now.

I have a very strong opinions on terminal illness and dignified death. I believe an individual should have the right, if they are of sound mind and not at the mercy of a thieving relative, to choose the manner, time and place of their demise. I have always had this belief, long before Colin. Terry Pratchett is absolutely right when he said 'I hope I can jump before I am pushed'.

Not that I am in need of it any time soon, you understand. I think you have a pretty good measure of the type of person I am by now...but if I am unable to mix the drugs with the juice and swallow it without aid, then I will have left it too late. Me, I will go out when the going is good.

Which brings me to another 'odd' thing about me. I want a 'living funeral'. I bloody well want to be at it and not in some box. I shall have a bloody good knees up, bringing all my friends together so we can party like it's 1999. The drinks and sausage rolls are on me, I'll get a band and a DJ in and, I think, I might even make it themed dress...it will be a blast. And I can say goodbye to one and all properly, with love and laughs.

How lucky I would be if this is the way it ends. How many people get to have a party before they shuffle off this mortal coil? A chance to laugh and say goodbye to all those they love? I reckon it sounds great...

So there you go. I have written down something many might find odd and even distasteful, but it had to be said and had to be dealt with. And I have dealt with it. Now I can move forward with the comfort of knowing all my chattels will go to pillarboxredheadedgoddess, the party is organised if I need it and I can buy the drugs I need from the local vet....

Last night, I found myself in Kilburn, with Drummond, on the guest list to see a band called Spectrum. Well, Spectrum is technically one bloke...and he used to be a band I saw a few times as PVC-wearing goth girl when I was young. Drummond commented on how funny things are...how, 25 years ago we watched this bloke as teenagers and who would have thought, back then, that he and I would be supping guinness watching him again and that I would have cancer.

I like Drummond. He thinks like me....

I have given Drummond a mission. It is probably impossible. Playing my 'I have got cancer' card strongly, I have commissioned him to get us on the guest list for the London date of Black Rebel Motorcycle Club's upcoming tour. "Drummond" I said, "I have got cancer and this might be the last time I get to see BRMC...come on, I am sure you can manage a guest +1 for me"

You see, I have done alright on the freebies so far...I reckon I can get a few more yet and guest list for BRMC sounds like a plan.