OK, I over-estimated the miles I though I would tot up this weekend. I drove 377 not 400.
I wondered, whilst driving the motorways of south east England, if the desire to shout at other motorists, specifically the ones in my lane, something along the lines of the Tesco yell 'Get out of my, I have got the cancer' would be all-consuming.
Normally, I am in a rush to get everywhere. I often time myself on familiar roadtrips to see if I can beat the time I did before...
...thus the M4, the M25 and the A21 (who built that road? Did they lose interest in it once they got to Tonbridge and just left it as a rural B-road with one lane???)are normally akin to some Formula 1 test track for me. Don't get me wrong, I do drive faster than 70mph, but I am no Michael Schumacher cutting people up and off.
But yesterday morning, I pootled at 70. In no rush at all. Not a care in the world.
Which begs the question: if my odds of a long life have been considerably shortened by having cancer, shouldn't I be rushing about more and trying to fit in as much as possible just in case my life is, um, considerably shorter?
I don't feel like this at all. I seem to have slowed right down. I am looking more. I am listening more. I mean, I am still talking a lot (I talk...a lot), but I have changed. I am taking notice of life going on around me...I thought it was possible I might think 'Hey, you feckers out there...stop living/working/breathing because I have got cancer and the world needs to stop'. And I don't. It reminds me of the scene in American Beauty; the beauty of a plastic bag caught in the wind. Life is a little like that right now...I just see things differently and it is beautiful.
Not that I am feeling morose or anything. And I am not going to sit and watch American Beauty or even Beaches or that other film where Julia Roberts gets cancer...
Which brings me to the main object of my roadtrip this weekend. My daughter. The pillarboxredheaded goddess. How do you tell your only child you have cancer? Do you walk through the door and say 'Hi, how are you and by the way I have just been diagnosed with cancer'? or do you wait a while, eat Mother's Day lunch and then drop the malignant bombshell in right at the end? Decisions, decisions.
Yes, I walked in the door and said 'I have got something to tell you...'. She was ok. Well as ok as any only child is when their mother tells them they have just been diagnosed with breast cancer yada yada...she found it hard to look me in the eye...I caught her staring into space a bit. But she was a trooper. And we went for lunch, went to our favourite shop and I bought her a vintage Marc Jacobs Stam bag...if in doubt, there is always shopping and vintage handbags...all ladies know this.
She'll be ok. She might not be ready for the crass cancer jokes yet, but she will be ok.
I texted her a little while ago to let her know I got home safely and to say 'it'll be ok'. And she texted right back that she knows it will, it is just a bit of a shock and she can't imagine what she would do without me. Hey pillarboxredheaded goddess...I don't know what I would do without you!
...and can I borrow that vintage Marc Jacobs Stam bag some time...
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You are right , I felt extremely focused , all the "clutter " cleared from my mind .
ReplyDeleteSee, there is beauty in all things...even in our shared World O' Cancer. I imagine no one believes this if they haven't been there...I am having more moments of clarity now than I ever have before...are we normal???
ReplyDeleteNever thought of myself as " normal " especially now , tend to do things my way.
ReplyDeleteWhen I had Chemo I was in hospital for 5 days at a time. Two chemo's the first day and then one called 5FU for 24 hrs a day for 4 days . While all this was going on I felt as if I was supposed to be there at that particular time in my life and strange to say , felt quite calm and at peace.